


Conflicting feelings

by melusinezar



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-08
Updated: 2015-04-08
Packaged: 2018-03-21 20:05:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3703709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melusinezar/pseuds/melusinezar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The World Championship had its load of frustration, tears and joy. Despite the up and downs, Yuzuru is happy to be with his team again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Conflicting feelings

**Author's Note:**

> This was a quick ficlet I wrote right after the end of the Worlds 2015. Any comments, constructive or not is welcomed :)

It all felt very complicated and conflicting.

When Yuzuru had seen Brian for the first time again in Shanghai, he felt a tremendous relief that surprised himself. Leaving Japan and Abe-sensei behind three years ago had been one of the hardest things he ever did, and even if things went well in Toronto, he always thought deep inside that he would never really recover from this split. But stuck alone first in his hospital room, then on the Sendai rink, alone in practice, and then now being hugged tightly by Brian, he realized that the old wound had healed and how lucky he was to have the whole Cricket Club team around him. It really felt like a family. And he had missed them so much.

Practicing again with Javi and Nam made him feel only joy and security. Being able to laugh and goof around when he had been by himself for two months was a wind of relief. At the same time, it felt like this time away from eachother had vanished and everything clicked into place again. Yuzuru also realized that his english had also improved a lot, and it was even easier now to laugh with them because he understood them better.

When he was on the ice, it was only a battle against himself. When he got out after his free skate, he felt grateful that his body wasn't in pain, but also wanted to punch himself for missing both of his quads. Brian told him he put on a good fight and he wasn't wrong, but still Yuzuru would never use his injuries or hard moments as an excuse. All that counted was how he delivered on his turn in front of the judges on the ice and today, like everything, it felt conflicting. Because it hadn't been perfect, far from it, damn quads, but he also felt like he finally put himself in the skin of the Phantom. He had felt less of the tremenduous pressure of obligation, and more the pleasure to skate and perform. But all in all, when sitting on the kiss and cry, all he could see was that he'd have to wait.

He hadn't floored the field like he did in the GPF and his first place was a shaky one at the moment. He let himself appreciate his rank for a second, though, and when he got up to watch Javi's performance he hoped that everything would go right for his friend.

Javi got his score and when the « 1 » appeared next to his name on the screen, Yuzuru felt his heart beat faster. Joy, pure joy because Javi had won ! Only clouded a second later by the thought « I lost ». And he barely could hold the tears after that. It was so weird. So weird to look at Javi's stunned face and want to cheer and shout and smile because he won, because he was the first to ever win in his country, and at the same time wanting to fold in on yourself by how disappointed you were with yourself. He wanted to congratulate him, he wanted to whine about his mistakes, he wanted to jump around, he wanted to hide and cry both from joy and from bitternes.

He was boiling with both positive and negative emotions when his eyes met Javi's. Yuzuru walked toward him, and hugged him, wanting to be a good friend and congratulate him. But when Javi's arms closed around him the sob crushed his chest and the tears rolled down his cheeks. 

« Why are you crying ? » Javi asked him, laughing, his own eyes tearing up.

« I'm not crying ! I'm not ! » he replied, wiping the wetness away. « I'm so happy for you » he said, and it was true. It was deeply true. 

And like Javi always did, he understood. He hugged him tight, even tighter than before and he said in Yuzuru's ears. « I might be the champion this time, but in my heart you are always the champion »

And it didn't make anything feel less complicated or conflicting, but the heaviness had been lifted from his heart.

For the rest of the day and the day after, Yuzuru felt Javi's support and comfort all the time. Javi stayed close to him when they weren't doing interviews, always touching him, either on the face or on his back, his hand a balm of comfort and reassurance. It was never too much nor invading, just a pat here and there, enough for Yuzuru to have his space and for him to know Javi was there. And it had helped a lot. Slowly the bitterness faded away and he focused on how he should improve for the next time. He also realized that with Javi beating him, it was firing up his competitive strike which had wavered down in the last few months, isolated as he was from the rest of the world. It was not that he had been demotivated, no, but not skating everyday with Javi, not seeing his progresses, not being challenged to do more and to have more fun by his simple presence had been enough for being caught up on. 

But mostly, not having Javi's supprt and friendship everyday, now as they were goofing around before and during the gala, that had been the hardest part. And he was basking in Javi's presence now, drinking strength and stability from every little touch he gave him and how lucky was he to train and be friend with such a kind and noble person ? Because at no point did Javi make Yuzuru feel bad about his disappointment for being second. They just switched places this time and Yuzuru thought again of everytime he had beaten Javi and the way Javi told him how proud he was of him, and now that he could understand Javi's feeling better, those previous words felt even more genuine, even more powerful.

It was in a way only natural then, that their last night in Shanghai, just before separating to go to their own rooms, they hugged again ; Javi's fingers caressed his jaw and his neck like he did so many times since saturday, forehead against forehead. And Yuzuru wasn't very sure who made the move first, but their lips touched, a closed, frank and soft kiss, just the time of two heartbeats. They took a step back, he patted Javi's shoulder, Javi petted his cheek, they smiled, said goodnight and walked away from eachother.

When he closed the door of his room behind him, Yuzuru burst into laugh. 

There was something really exciting about complicated and conflicting feelings.


End file.
